12/29/12

Keegan Crawford yawns until he explodes with the power that is released when scientist split boredom in two. Boredom is so indifferent this is an easy thing to do. From there Keegan crashes a car and blows somebody up with a rocket launcher





Stealing Things by Keegan Crawford


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Other writing available here

       Stealing Things is the shortest title Keegan’s ever had. Keegan ‘the vegan’ Crawford loves long titles. Somebody must have told him to ‘chill out with the paragraph long titles’. This is a good thing. Here Keegan dives headfirst into one of the most popular forms in alt lit: kleptomania. Many alt lit books glorify shoplifting and stealing. In Keegan’s world more than basic objects are stolen: time is stolen at work in exchange for a pre-determined amount of money, words are stolen replaced by meows, and a couple of explosions happen.
                The explosions are intense and explosion-like. Keegan yawns until he explodes with the power that is released when scientist split boredom in two. Boredom is so indifferent this is an easy thing to do. From there Keegan crashes a car and blows somebody up with a rocket launcher. Good thing he reassures his mother about the explosions. She is a bit worried about him and the violent path he’s chosen in the poem. Despite Keegan’s out of control behavior he cares deeply about his mother.
                Funerals are happy things. People always party during funerals. At G.G Allin’s funeral they partied fairly hard. They partied with his dead corpse. Everybody had a great time. Probably there will not be a giant, drug-fueled orgy at Keegan’s party due to his vegan leanings. When vegans party they generally sit around a bed and listen to Sigur Ros. Every vegan parties pretty hard before falling asleep checking various social media. Getting cremated is the best thing to do when one is dead. It is the only time people can be truly airborne.
                Works is described in painful detail. Frozen burritos are the yellow sticky pads of work lunches. Multiple times Keegan says hi to his coworkers. They talk at him for a little bit while he wears his strange uniform. What Keegan actually does for a job is irrelevant. Every job is essentially the same thing: do various things, speak to people, hook up awkwardly with a coworker or two, and go out for happy hour once a month. Otherwise nothing else happens at work.
                It ends like all good things do: at an Arby’s. The Arby’s mocha shake may be one of those foods that confirm the power of an almighty God. Or it is just a damn good shake. Before the two arrive at Arby’s they arrive at a bookstore. Emo Philips is an Emo version of Philip Glass, just with slightly more repetition than an average Philip Glass track. Each song lasts roughly 44 minutes. Both of them go to a dollar store where they are able to afford the food sold there. They can afford it because they shove the food into a backpack. At Arby’s they eat fresh via eating the recently stolen food.

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